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Friday, October 3rd, 2008
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Ok guys, this is long so sorry if it takes up tuns of space but this is kind of fucked up. I no we can't do anything about it, the movie is already out but I guess we can try and spread the word that we're not like this. Though I no that won't fully work, either.
I heard about this in school. But I coppied this article from a friends lj.
As many of you know, I don’t watch a lot of TV so I just found outtoday about a movie that Miramax is releasing this Friday called “Blindness”. This movie
depicts blind individuals in an extremely negative manner. In the film in which blindness is an epidemic, persons who are blind are sent to an insane asylum.
The people who are blind defecate on themselves because they cannot find the bathroom and when they do defecate they are unable to clean themselves up
afterward. They are also unable to do other daily tasks such as dressing (they go around mostly naked), bathing, feeding, etc… First impressions are often
lasting and man does this movie leave a nasty first impression for those in the audience who have little to no knowledge of people who are blind or visually
impaired.
While this is clearly a fictional movie, people with little knowledge and exposure to the blind and visually impaired community will not know where to
draw the line between what is true and what is made up regarding the capabilities of those who are blind. This perpetuates negative stereotypes which lead
to issues such as a decreased employment rate and greater social isolation for those who are blind and visually impaired. After all who wants to hire or
hang out with someone who might go to the bathroom in the floor of the office or who might show up to the next party naked? All joking aside, with an already
startlingly low unemployment rate among the blind and visually impaired population, we cannot afford this type of publicity. If people leave the theater
with increased negative stereotypes then the work that many blind and visually impaired individuals do every day to be seen and treated as equals is being
undone. This only differs from a movie depicting negative stereotypes of women, African Americans, gay and lesbians, Muslim, etc… is that blind and visually
impaired individuals only make up 0.6 out of every 1,000 in the population so there is a much smaller voice of protest.
I am asking for your help not only in boycotting this film and letting people around you know that blind people are not at all like the characters in this
film. Below I am posting a Questions and Answers by Scott LaBarre, a lawyer who works for the National Federation of the Blind (NFB). Since he has already
seen the movie he can be much more thorough than I can. Please read the below information and PLEASE redistribute this to others through e-mail, MySpace
Posts, Facebook, etc… Lets get the word about this film.
Thanks
Jessica
Q: What is the premise and plot of the movie Blindness?
A: Blindness is based on a novel of the same name by the Portuguese writer José Saramago. The premise of the movie is that unnamed residents of an unnamed
city in an unnamed country suddenly and mysteriously go blind. Those who experience the blindness see only a white glare, so the blindness is sometimes
called the "white sickness." Fearing that the blindness is contagious, the government quarantines the victims in an abandoned and dilapidated mental asylum,
with orders that anyone attempting to leave is to be killed immediately. The prisoners are supposed to be given food and supplies, but food deliveries
are inadequate and increasingly become irregular. The asylum also becomes filthy because the blind inmates, as portrayed in the movie, cannot find their
way to the bathroom and simply relieve themselves on the floor or in their own beds. Some of the inmates die from infection, disease, or from gunshot wounds
when they try to escape or simply become lost and wander too close to the guards. One group of inmates, led by the wife of a former eye doctor who can
still see but is feigning blindness to remain with her husband, fare slightly better than the rest; this is solely because the doctor's wife assists the
blind, who are portrayed as being unable to do anything for themselves. As food supplies dwindle, one group of blind inmates, whose leader has acquired
a gun and dubs himself "the king of Ward Three," begins to terrorize the others.
The armed clique in ward three hordes all the food, extorting money and valuables from the other inmates and eventually demanding sex with the
women from other wards in exchange for allowing the rest of the inmates to eat. One of the members of this clique, who was born blind and is not a victim
of the white sickness, knows how to read and write Braille and is given the task of taking inventory of the valuables stolen from the other inmates. Rather
than helping the other inmates adjust to their blindness, he uses his knowledge of how to function as a blind person to assist the criminal gang. When
the women from the ward where the doctor's wife resides go to ward three to exchange sex for food, one of them is beaten to death as she is raped. The
doctor's wife later kills the King of Ward Three, but the man who was born blind takes his place as leader of the armed gang and threatens to avenge the
"king" by killing the doctor's wife. Being blind, however, he is unable to shoot her and she escapes unharmed.
The rest of the inmates finally decide to do battle with the gang in ward three; during the fight, someone sets a pile of bedding alight, starting a fire
that soon
engulfs the entire asylum. During the ensuing confusion, the man who was born blind shoots himself. When the surviving inmates, including the group led
by the doctor's wife, escape the burning asylum, they discover that no soldiers are standing guard and therefore they are free. Outside the makeshift prison,
everyone has gone blind and the city has descended into total chaos; no government services or businesses are functioning, and nomadic groups of mostly
naked blind people wander through the streets, squatting in abandoned houses and shops for shelter and taking food where they can find it-including in
rubbish heaps. There is no electricity or running water, so the streets and buildings of the city are as filthy as the asylum was. Dogs that people used
to keep as pets have gone wild and roam in packs, feeding on refuse and human corpses. The home of the doctor and his wife, however, is intact, and their
group sets up permanent residence there. Just as this small "family" is beginning to make a life for itself, people begin to regain their sight just as
suddenly and mysteriously as they went blind.
Q: Have you seen the film?
A: Yes. Members of the staff of the National Federation of the Blind were permitted to screen the film. Many other members of the National Federation of
the Blind have read the novel, and according to the filmmakers themselves, the movie is "true to the book.
"
Q: How will this film harm blind people?
A: Blind people already suffer from irrational prejudice based on ignorance and misconceptions about our capabilities and characteristics.
This prejudice-which is based on ignorance and low expectations but is no less harmful than prejudice based on ethnicity, religion, or sex--is the
cause of the overwhelming majority of problems experienced by blind people, including an unemployment rate that exceeds 70 percent and the lack of proper
education for blind children. This movie will further entrench myths and misconceptions about blindness and blind people, thereby contributing to the barriers
to equal participation in society that we face.
Q: What is wrong with the way blind people are portrayed in the film?
A: Blindness falsely depicts blind people as incapable of almost everything. Even accepting that most of the characters are newly blind and thus have not
learned certain skills needed to function effectively as a blind person, their complete and utter incompetence is simply not credible to anyone who has
had even casual contact with actual blind people. The blind people in the film are unable to dress or bathe themselves; they usually go about naked or
nearly naked and relieve themselves on the floor or in their own beds.
The doctor's wife is shown helping him dress by holding his pants so that he can step into them, and he comments at one point that she even
has to clean him after he has defecated. In reality, even newly blinded individuals do not experience this level of incapacity; they do not forget how
to dress, wash, or use the toilet. The blind people in the movie are portrayed as perpetually disoriented and having no sense of direction or ability to
remember the route from one place to another; in fact, blind people regularly travel independently using white canes or guide dogs. The blind people who
are not completely helpless in the novel and movie are depraved monsters, withholding food from the others in exchange for money, jewelry, and sex.
One of the worst of these criminals is a man who
was born blind and has adapted to his blindness, yet he sides with the criminal gang of ward three, participating in brutal rapes and attempting to kill
inmates from the other wards. Thus, all of the blind people in the film are portrayed either as helpless invalids or degenerate criminals. The movie suggests
that blindness completely alters the human personality, resulting either in total incapacity or villainous evil. The movie also makes it clear that blindness
is cause for complete and irreversible despair; one blind man comments, "I'd rather die than stay like this." Blind people, in fact, do live happy lives
once they have learned to accept their blindness and adjust to it. The movie also suggests that the blind must always defer to the sighted; when the doctor's
wife leaves him outside a supermarket so she can attempt to find food, he says, "I know my place.
" The dignity, worth, and individuality of blind people is constantly denigrated in his
way throughout the movie. The National Federation of the Blind objects to this portrayal of the blind because it simply isn't accurate. Blind people are
simply a cross-section of society who happen to share the physical characteristic of being unable to see.
The blind are employed in
almost every profession imaginable, have homes and families, raise children, do volunteer work in their communities, and generally lead normal, productive
lives. To the extent this is not the case, it is not due to blindness but rather to the misconceptions and stereotypes that society holds about blindness
and blind people. This film will further those myths and misconceptions and deepen public prejudice against the blind. Most members of the public do not
know a blind person and may therefore assume that this portrayal of what blindness is like is accurate and true.
It is not, and the falsehoods in this film will damage the prospects for equal opportunity,
productivity, dignity, and happiness for blind people throughout the world.
Q: Isn't this just a matter of political correctness, or a difference opinion with the novelist and filmmakers?
A: No. Everyone is entitled to his or her own opinion, but not his or her own facts. Even fiction has an obligation to be somewhat accurate and realistic,
just like any other art form does; otherwise it bears no relationship to the world as we know it. If an artist were to create a painting called “Elephant,"
but the picture in fact represented a giraffe, a camel, or a creature from the artist's own imagination, than any art critic-or any layman-would point
out that the picture does not, in fact, represent an elephant, and the person pointing out the inconsistency would not be accused of "political correctness"
or a "difference of opinion" with the artist, but would be recognized as having good common sense. The portrait of blind people in this movie is simply
wrong; artistic license does not permit a writer or a filmmaker to make false assertions about an entire group of people. The stereotyping of blind people
is just as inappropriate as the stereotyping of African-Americans, women, Muslims, or any other group of individuals who share common characteristics.
Q: Isn't blindness being used as a metaphor in the novel and film?
A: Yes, and this is one of the movie's main problems. Blindness is simply the physical characteristic of being unable to perceive things with the eyes,
but the author and filmmakers want it to be a metaphor for everything that is bad about human nature.
At the very least, blindness represents lack of insight or perception in this film; arguably it represents even
worse traits, since many of the blind characters engage in rape, murder, and other forms of criminal behavior. Blind people, however, are not stupid or
incapable of discernment. Although we cannot see with our eyes, we are aware of the world around us through our other senses and through the alternative
techniques we use to learn about our environment, such as traveling with a white cane, reading and writing Braille, and using technology. Blindness is
no more an appropriate "metaphor" than other physical characteristics, like hair color or ethnicity.
Movies in
which all of the villains have dark skin or a foreign accent are rightly criticized as employing racial stereotypes. If a movie were to be made in which
people's hair suddenly turned blonde and all of the characters with blonde hair were vapid idiots, then people with blonde hair would rightly be outraged.
In today's society, it should likewise be unacceptable for blindness to be used as a stand-in for depravity, incompetence, and lack of understanding.
Q: Doesn't your protest violate the First Amendment rights of the filmmakers?
A: No. The First Amendment protects the production and screening of this film, but it also protects our right to protest its production and screening and
to tell the public that it portrays blind people in an outrageously false manner.
Q: Have you brought your concerns to the attention of the filmmakers?
A: Yes. We sent letters to officials involved with the production of the film but received no response. We can only conclude that the makers of this movie
chose to ignore our concerns.
Scott C. LaBarre, Esq.
LaBarre Law Offices P.C.
1660 South Albion Street, Ste.
918
Denver, Colorado 80222
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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Saturday, November 10th, 2007
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this is my first public entry in ages, but I really like this survey, and am interested in seeing the responces, so fill it out for me!
My name:
Summarize me in three words:
Where did we meet:
Take a stab at my middle name:
How long have you known me:
When is the last time that we saw each other:
Do I drink:
Do I smoke:
Am I happy:
Am I a good person:
What was your first impression of upon meeting me/seeing me:
What's one of my favorite things to do:
Am I funny:
How do you make me smile:
What's my favorite type of music:
Have you ever seen me cry:
Can I sing:
What is the best feature about me:
Am I shy or outgoing:
Am I a rebel or do I follow the rules:
Do I have any special talents:
Would you call me preppy, average, sporty, punk, hippie, glam, nerdy, snobby, or
something else (what):
Have you ever hugged me
Kissed me:
What is my favorite food:
Have you ever had a crush on me:
Am I dating anyone:
If there was one good nickname for me, what would it be:
What's your favorite memory of me:
Who do I like right now:
If you and I were stranded on a desert island, what is the one thing I would bring?
Are we friends?
Do I believe in God?
Am I family oriented?
Who is my best friend?
Do you think we could work together?
Will you repost this so I can do it?
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Comments: Read 12 or Add Your Own.
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| Time: | 6:48 pm. |
| Mood: |  sick. |
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In case anyone didn't no, I'm sorry to say that david.
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) the_apoppanax
Killed himself with pills and alcahol on March 23.
He died on the phone with me at aproxamently 10:30 PM eastern.
My entries will be friends only starting now, if you wish to remain, please comment, or write me on msn.
thank you.
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Comments: Read 14 or Add Your Own.
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8:18
Hi peoples, its nice and early, and I'm awake, but I'm not at school.
I really didn't feel like going to the public school today, so, I didn't.
I will go to the blind school at 11 or so, but not for a while, so I'm cool.
I'm currently working on my moms desktop, but it is cleaning up write now, so I can type,
oh nose, airer came up, let me go check on it.
ok, its cool, defragmenting now.
Things have been good, I am at home, I'm relaxing, not working, I love Dan, and he loves me, that makes things loads better...
David and I talk, just a bit, its a very timid friendship, very very very timid.
I heard that someone lied last night, either David, or Jessica, and whoever it was... that wasn't write. but oh well.
You people think what you want, but if you said that Jessica, your really a bigger hypocrite then I thought...
David is going to get his eye surgery stuff done today, I wonder how its going to work out?
I miss Caitlin, I wonder if she misses me?
I miss Dan, I wonder, if he misses me?
I miss people, all the time. to much.
This weekend, is going to be very uneventful, no plans, what so ever.
I never seem to do anything on the weekends I'm at my moms though. ever.
Hang out with Tia, talk on computer, boring, boring.
My mom is talking write now, blah, blah, blah.
I honestly don't care about the news stories. lol
Its nine now, I'm still doing different things on the desktop, and typing on here.
My taste in music is really starting to change lately, I'm starting to listen to things I used to make fun of people for listening to, lol, I guess, I can be a hypocrite also. but its all good.
God, will that desktop ever finish defragmenting? no wonder its sooooo slow. lol
I'm hungry, I want some chicken, that's all I seem to eat these days.
Man, I'm one boring person.
I love you, Dan, to bad you couldn't convince your mom to let you stay home today.
I hope she says yes or at least considers this summer thing, I really hope you talk to her soon...
There talking about porn, and kids accessing it on there computers, and talking about activating parental control. lol.
Whatever. hmm.
my mom is working on getting vista for this thing, we're going to get it shipped here, so I don't have to put it on here, I can, if I ever decide to, it comes free with this thing, so we decided just to get it, to get it.
Ok, I think I'm done on this desktop for the moment, so that's cool.
I will go get ready and things, so write later.
Current mood: missing someone...
2:41
Ok, I'm home now, I just got here, I thought it was a lot warmer out then it is, so I went and changed in to shorts, and a tea shirt, and now I'm kind of cold, but I'm to lazy to go in, and change again, so I won't. lol.
When I got to school, I basically did nothing, I fed everyone this story about how I had been in the emergency room all night with my sister, and that was why I was late, and since I had been there, I wasn't able to eat, so could I please eat my food in your class?
Sniff, sniff, my sister is hurting, have pity on me. lol.
I missed you today Caitlin, but I just, can't handle central.
Next year will be better, promise.
Oh, nose, did I just feel a raindrop on my leg? I just got out here... meh.
If I go inside, I'll probably sleep...
Hmm, I just got a random call on skype, and its weird, but its cool, I guess.
The wend makes people brake up, pretty bad, but I can't help that, so its cool.
I have loads of homework to do this weekend, and I really don't wanna do it, its bad for me, seriously. lol.
I've never gotten a c, but I've came sooooooo fucking close this year.
I can do what I want, when I want, I no I can, and its crazy.
I'm not really looking forward to doing nothing this weekend, after all, I get restless a lot, and when I get restless, bad things could occur. lol.
but we won't worry about that, for I'm not, I'm so tired all the time, that I won't do a thing.
I feel so safe, all the time now, there's always someone around, that will take up for me, or take care of me, all the time. I feel like I do nothing for my self any more. lol.
Why is it that whenever I say I'm cold, my friends give me their jackets?
I used to always give them my jackets, and never complain about the cold.
What happend? lol
I never thought of myself as girly girl, or someone that needs to be taken care of, fore wasn't that my job before David came along, to take care of everyone?
To hold, but not be held, to love, but not be loved, well it seems as all that has changed. Its a 2 way street, just like its supposed to be, no ones job to take care of everyone, everyone's job, write?
Sometimes, I think, I get taken care of, to much. meh. lol.
It feels good outside now, a bit better. I'm so glad the bugs aren't out yet. I don't like icky bugs.
Jessica is already starting to be hated on. David, Chris, everyone.
She's to much of a liar, and a bitch. but what can I do about that?
The rain is starting to get heavier, so I'm out of here.
Love you, dan.
Peace.
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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Thursday, March 22nd, 2007
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| R is for random | | Choose between the following.. (very random) | | Would you rather be.. | | The water on neptune (if there is any) or the storms on Jupiter: | first | | A cupfull of sun or the rings of saturn?: | first | | stitched into an embroidery or stitched as the smile on a doll?: | second | | a red airplane, or an undiscovered planet?: | first | | A chard of broken mirror or a shard of a porcelain doll?: | second | | Classic impresionist painting or abstract/dadaism?: | second | | The warp in a record or the scratch on a cd?: | first | | would you rather live in.. | | The notes in music, or the sound a bullet makes when its shot?: | second | | Under water in a rusty music box, or the light in a silent film?: | second | | The eye of a storm or the middle of a black hole?: | first | | The mind of an insane person, or the mind of Andy warhol? (one in the same?: | first | | a clay heart or a paper star?: | first | | Would you rather.. | | See the way the person you love most thought? or the person you hate most?: | first | | Ride nude like the pious Lady Godiva or Play the fiddle as Rome burned?: | first | | Live in a day without voices or a night without pictures?: | second | | Fade in a photograph, or degenerate in a painting?: | second | | be a page from utpoia, or a page from 1984?: | first | | Be the ark of the covenant, or the tower of babylon?: | second | | be a Broken mask on hallowe'en, or a broken christmas ornament?: | second | | If you could be any.. | | Word?: | exotic, mmmmmm | | Book?: | something beautiful, and painful at the same time... | | Phobia?: | the phobiea of, of noise | | Song?: | fergalicious lmao. | | Music Note?: | all of them. lol | | Diety? (ie: God, Buhda(sp), Satan, ect): | huh? lol | | Fin | Take this survey | Find more surveys | MySpace Surveys
Bzoink - The Original Survey Site |
| Series 1-8 | | [ series 1 ] | | Name: | Marissa | | Birthday: | march 15 | | Birthplace: | louisville | | Current Location: | proch | | Eye Color: | brown | | Hair Color: | brown | | Righty or Lefty: | left. | | Zodiac Sign: | picies | | Font: | compack. | | *.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.* | | [ series 2 - your favorite ] | | Music: | all. | | Cartoon: | hate them. | | Color: | pink | | Car: | jeep | | Slushy Flavor: | coke. | | Magazine: | seventeen | | TV Show: | don't like | | Song at the Moment: | fergalicious | | Language: | spanish, mmmmm. | | Spice Girl: | hate them! | | Food & Beverage: | Dr. Pepper. fried chicken. | | Subject in School: | english | | Weekend Activity: | sleeping. | | Frozen Yogurt: | none. | | Roller Coaster: | don't like very mutch. | | *.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.* | | [ series 3 - what is ] | | Your most overused phrase: | scary. lol | | First thing you thought when you woke up: | oh god, not yet... lol | | Last image/thought you go to sleep with: | Someone special... | | First feature you notice of opposite sex: | voice, lol. | | Best name for a Butler: | bob? lol. | | Wussiest Sport: | valleyball for guys. lol | | Your best feature: | my friends say my voice... | | Your greatest fear: | being alone. | | Your greatest accomplishment: | Saying no, mvoing on, dealing, changing... | | Your most missed memory: | being held by someone.... | | *.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.* | | [ series 4 - you prefer ] | | Pepsi or Coke: | coke | | McDonald's or Burger King: | MC. Donalds. | | Single or Group Dates: | single. lol. | | Adidas or Nike: | niki. | | Chicken nuggets or Chicken fingers: | fingers. | | Dogs or Cats: | cats. | | Rugrats or Doug: | neither. | | Single or Taken: | taken. | | Monica or Brandy: | brandy. | | Tupac or Jay-Z: | JZ | | Shania Twain or LeAnn Rhymes: | leann. | | Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: | both. | | One pillow or Two: | one | | Chocolate or Vanilla: | vanella | | Hot chocolate or Hot cocoa: | hot chocklet. | | Cappucino or Coffee: | coffee. | | *.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.* | | [ series 5 - do you ] | | Shower everyday: | deffently. | | Have a crush: | .no. | | Think you've been in love: | hell yeah. | | Want to go to college: | kind of... | | Like high school: | no. | | Want to get married: | yeah. | | Type correctly: | mostly. | | Believe in yourself: | no... | | Have any tattoos? Where: | nope. | | Have any piercings? Where: | ears only. | | Get motion sickness: | nope. | | Think you're a health freak: | nope. | | Get along with your parents: | nope. | | Like thunderstorms: | yep | | *.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.* | | [ series 6 - the future ] | | Age your plan to be married: | don't no. | | Number and names of children: | none. | | Where will you be at age 20: | college. | | Dream wedding: | I really don't no. | | How do you want to die: | sleeping. | | Dream job: | laying arund. lol | | Country you'd like to visit: | Austrailia. | | *.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.* | | [ series 7 - opposite sex ] | | Best eye color: | don't no. | | Best hair color: | brown. | | Short or long hair: | long. | | Best height: | tall. | | Best weight: | medium. | | Best clothes: | none. lol. | | Best first date location: | denner... | | Best first kiss location: | outside... | | *.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.* | | [ series 8 - other ] | | Last time you slept with a stuffed animal: | a few weeks ago. | | Rings before you answer the phone: | 3 | | What's on your mousepad: | I don't no. | | How many houses you've lived in: | 3 | | How many schools you've gone to: | 3 | | Bedroom carpet color: | don't no. lol | | Shave your head for $5,000?: | yeah. | | Stranded on a desert island. Take three things. No people: | tia, phone, computer. | | Best time of your life so far: | being with the one I loved... | Take this survey | Find more surveys | MySpace Surveys
Bzoink - The Original Survey Site |
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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that's not really the subject, but until I think of a better one, it will stay that way. lol
and now, on to my school entery.
9:26
Current mood: calm
Current music: Tito ''El Bambino'' Ft Daddy Yankee - Mia (Top Of The Line)
Hi peoples, I'm just sitting here in the VI room. Its my free period, and I decided to write. to keep myself awake.
Nothing really of substance has happened since the last time I wrote. I've been good, no scary moments have occurred.
Dan made my whole day this morning by calling. Lol, its amazing how something so little can mean so much, you no?
I was honestly surprised, I was sure it was Caitlin going to tell me something bad, and it turned out to be someone great, telling me something great, which in turn, made me smile.
And me smiling in the morning? Wow, amazing, just amazing. lol.
I think I have to do more Spanish, god, seems like all I do these days.
We haven't had to move seats yet, they can't even decide if we're going to have to move seats or not. I really hope not, the only good part about being here is hanging out with Caitlin, and being moved/ will suck.
ok, I'll work on Spanish now, but I think I'm going to type while I do it. lol.
I can barely here anyone, for my music is blaring in my ears, and that is nice.
There's a teacher sitting write next to me, so I will shut this, and write more in a min.
I love you, Dan.
10:03
Ok, I'm done now. that wasn't to bad, even though I did all the work, while everyone else just sat there. its cool though, I wanna learn a bit of Spanish anyway, so yeah.
lmao! nvm, more Spanish! god!
Current mood: annoyed.
10:19
Ok, this has to be it, seriously, I must be done. lol
There ruining my good day by making me tired. hehehehehe.
I'm so out of things to say, I can't think of anything. I usually just bitch in this here journal of mine, but today, there's nothing to bad to bitch about. I can't bitch about the seating until I no it will actually happen, so there's nothing.
I'm listening to that song don't matter. I like that. its nice.
I haven't chooed my nails in quite sometime, there getting long, yay. Actually something to paint now.
God, I'm totally out of it today. I will lay down now, and listen to things around me.
Dan, your the best, I love you.
smile, by guys.
current mood: sleepy.
4:33
Well, now I'm home, and I’m happy.
I'm sitting on skype with Dan.
He called me practically write when I got home, and that was nice.
I missed you so much today...
His, or someone's net just dropped. Talk about a crazy jinks. he'll call back though, I think.
And he just did. yay.
Today, I almost had to read a speech in English, that didn't exist. lol.
The teacher said, this is going to take 2 days, and we're going to go in alphabetical order, backwards. praise god. I'm a C, so definitely not until the second day, witch will be Monday, man that would have sucked, major. lol.
There's a difference between thoughts, and points.
I wasn't really trying to make a point, I don't really do that. I only write secret messages to people in here, if I no they will interpret them correct. I used to do that for Caitlin some months ago...
I love you, your fine. like I always say, if you wanna talk to me, talk to me, I'm always around.
If you don't wanna talk to me, don't.
I don't like forcing myself on people, its bad.
But I always wanna talk to you, you don't ever have to worry about bothering me...
I'm currently making fun of Dan's little brother, I'm sorry.
I just can't help it, he's yelling and screaming and things, and Dan's like what's wrong/ and he's like, the stupid keyboard doesn't work!
And I was like, that's the big deal?
And Dan said, Are you sure its plugged in?
Now if that kid couldn't think of that himself... wow, just wow is all I have to say on that. lol.
I'm glad I have no brothers. especially a little one. I wouldn't mind an older one, but no little ones.
My mom said a few months ago, that she might adopt a blind kid.
That would be kind of cool, I would take care of that kid, and teach it all the cool blind things I no, and let it meet loads of friends. lol.
that would be one lucky blind kid, I'm tellin ya.
But I wanna turn over, and rest, and just lay with Dan, so I will.
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Wednesday, March 21st, 2007
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well, here's a nice and short school entery.
You all can be happy for that. lol
10:15
Lol, hi all. I'm in the VI room. working on spanish.
I'm so tired of doing this, I'm getting really frustrated in here, so decided to write to take my mind off of it a little.
I just snapped at 2 people.
Why am I in sutch a bad mood lately? I really try not to be, I'm going to drive everyone away like that, bad.
But I honestly can't help it, if I didn't hold back some, I'd be locked up by now. I'm going crazy, god.
I'm sorry you guys, I am.
I no you guys aren't ever trying to get on my nerves, and it shouldn't, not all the things that do. but they do.
Everything does, so many things do.
I'm on edge, all the time.
Its a lot easier for me to write, then to talk, talking gets on my nerves. I love to be around people, I love to sit with all of you on skype, and feel close, and stuff, but sometimes, I don't.
I hate lots of noise, I hate lots of talking and confusion. I just want quiet, and peace.
I like to be able to say something the second it comes to my mind, and no someone heard me.
David just got me spoiled to that level.
When ever I would talk, he was always listening, no matter what. I was his life, he practically worshiped the ground I walked on, and I took all that for granted.
I realize that now, I'm sorry.
In some ways, I was really spoiled, man, I've been realizing a lot of that lately.
I'm not doing a very good job paying attention to spanish, while writing, bad me.
I really have to go to the bathrrom, so I might write again in a few.
Thank you Dan, for staying with me all last night, it was worth it, even if I have a dead phone until eight thirty tonight. lol.
Current mood: nervis.
2:23
Well, I'm doing, and feeling good write now. I feel happy, and normal again, everything is good
Please, let this last?
I already have to go, so talk to you guys later.
Current mood: happy.
5:00
And I still feel good, great, actually
I'm going out to eat now though, so write later.
Love you, dan.
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Tuesday, March 20th, 2007
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7:51
Well, hi.
I'm in english, on a b day again.
I'm actually reading and writing at the same time.
I haven't read very mutch lately, and I need to, but I also need to write, so I'll do both.
I'm reading a story in Steven kings, nightmares and dreamscapes, It grows on you is the name of the story.
Steven King actually reads this one. I like the ones he reads, he's a good reader.
Yesterday was a crazy day. I talked to him
the_apoppanax
a few minutes early in the day, and I think that started it.
I felt ok the rest of the day, I thought of it as no big deal, but it was.
After school, once I got home and what not, I was laying in bed, talking to Caitlin, Dan, and Chris.
Some weird guy from skype chat called me, he was a foren dude. I clicked him in, and everyone started to bash him.
I said I'd be right back, and went to the bathroom. I guess noone heard me...
Well, I got back and everyone was being loud, yelling and laughing, I said what happend? And noone was listening.
I said it again, and noone heard me again. So I yelled it.
And everyone said, oh, you weren't around? You missed it? And everyone started laughing again, and that is what set me off.
I screamed, I said, I told you I'd be write back, now be quiet, now!
People started to talk, but I wouldn't listen, I hung up, and lost myself in another gigantic fit. Dan called me back twice on skype, but I told him to go away, and hung up.
Caitlin called my phone, but I did the same to her. Chris called me back, and I let him stay around, his voice was calm and reasuring, and he sounded really concerned.
I just cryed, and cryed, just like I did, 1 week ago, today.
But this time, I didn't, couldn't calm down. I calmed down after a few minutes last week, but not this time.
I told chris what was wrong, I told him I missed him, I told him I was scared, and that I wanted him to be around. I told him all the things I missed, but it didn't help me to calm down.
Caitlin and Dan wrote me on msn, but I really didn't want to write.
I don't no if this is a good thing, but I really don't like being around Dan at times like that.
Why should he have to deal with my depression problems?
Why should anyone? He doesn't really no me to terribley well, and i don't want him to have to get to no me like that.
I no he gets worried, but that's just something he shouldn't have to deal with.
I'm sorry for even starting out like that with you on there, but when it happends, it happends, you no?
Well, I let Caitlin back on skype with me and Chris, and decided to let Dan also, Kerry called to, but I have a feeling that he felt like he had to be on there, and he didn't.
Chris was really starting to worry, for noone could calm me down, and I was starting to have problems breathing again, so he got ahold of David, and told him that I needed him.
I'm not sure that was really the best choice however, for what happends next time that happends?
He won't always be around to help me calm down during huge fits will he?
Maybe I'll just die of one.
Well, I didn't care write then, I called him, and cryed for about five minutes, and calmed down, write quick.
And we just talked, about normal things, I'm not a cheeter, I don't and won't cheet. we just talked about school, life in general, you no? We talked until I was feeling normal again.
I never begged for him back, or told him I loved and needed him, and he didn't do that to me, we just talked.
Just to put all doubts out of everyone's nosy heads.
When I got to my moms, I was ok again, I was just normal me. and that was good.
I doubt I worried anyone, but if I did, I'm really sorry, I honestly don't try to.
Dan, I'm sorry I get like that. I"m sorry you have to see me like that. And I'm really trying to get over all this, I honestly am. Please don't give up on me.
If you decide you can't take it, can't take me, then tell me. But don't avoid me, or get freaked out about me.
Just tell me straight up, that you can't deal with me, and I'll go away.
I'm sorry for going off on everyone, I wish you guys could understand... I really do.
But then, I wouldn't want anyone else to have to feel what I feel, it hurts, and I would never wish it on someone.
You guys are the best friends a girl could ask for. Thanks for putting up with me, I love you all.
I went to sleep early last night, with everyone around me. I wasn't even planning on falling asleep, I was supposed to turn back on my phone, call Caitlin, then Call dan, but I didn't.
I was emotionally, and physically exhausted. So I just slept.
But at least Dan was around me on skype. I like that.
I feel so bad for making you guys have to deal with me. I think about that a lot.
Matt cooper, the black blind kid I wrote about a while ago, if you actually read and pay attention to my enteries you'll no who i'm talking about. Just walked past my classroom door, making some weird screaming noise, and banging his cane on the floor. lol. Write.
He's the weirdest dude. He needs some kind of help or something.
You no, there's millions of teenaged girls in the world. Loads of teenaged girls that write in live journals, so what makes mine so special?
What makes mine worth reading, or thinking about? I wonder.
Maybe its because we all don't no all those millions of girls, write/
I'm glad I don't. I don't like girls very mutch. There weird, and rude, and icky.
I only love my Caitlin. lol.
No, I do have a few girl friends that I'm cool with, just not to terribley many.
I no that's weird to say, seeing as to that I'm bi, kind of. But I'm waaaaaay more in to guys.
It has to be one hell of a special girl for me to begin to develop feelings like that for her. Because most girls I think about, revolt me. grose.
But no girls now, I have Dan, and I wil have him for as long as he can put up with me.
so yay, I love you.
Its eight sixteen, and I haven't stopped typing for longer then 3 seconds. I'm really becoming a great typer, fast, and my spelling isn't to bad. I've made a lot of progress with Dan's journal, as far as editing goes.
I should do that to my own some day. lol.
Its not perfect, but it looks loads better then it did look, I think anyway.
God, my hands are so small, and strong feeling, so mutch typing, makes my fingers so nimble, and slender. I like the way my hands look now.
You no, I wrote about the tredmeel like a month ago, and still haven't done one day, lol. I really gotta start that. I'm to mutch of a lazy bum, I don't like that.
But my motivation, I just can't find it.
I wanna look ugly, I wanna be not noticed, but that seems not to be the case.
I have no interest in the boy who seems to have developed an interest in me at school.
I have no interest in anyone but Dan, he's everything to me, even if he doesn't want to be...
That boy only likes me for what I look like, and I don't really like that. Plus he's a goof, he's always being funny, and loud and stuff.
And that can be amuzing at times, but not all the time, you no?
I really like quiet lately, if you actually talk to me, you'd already no that.
I'm thirsty, I have a can of coke, but I don't really wanna open it, because I don't no where I'll put it. my desk is so small, and my laptop is already on it. What if it accidently gets knocked over on it? Lol, no, I'll just wait.
Well now I must work on a speach, or something, be back later, maybe.
Current mood: thirsty.
Never mind, I don't feel like working on that speach, maybe later or something. I don't no.
Its 8:51 I'm board, and nothing interesting is going on.
I'm in the VI room with Caitlin now, we're just drinking our drinks, and both writing in our journals.
I hate this public school, I made great grades threw middle school, and could be at a very good public school, but this is the only one the blind school will provide transpertation to and from, and my mom wants me to go to the blind school.
Caitlins parents hate it her here, and so do mine. So next year we both might be going to Atherten half day, and KSB. That will be awesome.
Its 9:17 now. I just got done coppying loads of weird al stuff. I love getting new things, its good for me.
I think I might start an ftp soon, but it will be very private, you will be special to get an account, for i don't like sharing with everyone. lol.
I don't need people I don't barely no, or give a fuck about to be using my nice bandwith. lol.
wow, Dalton just offered Matt Cooper a dollar to leave, and he did. Damn.
That's pretty damn harsh, if I do say so myself.
And he didn't even go like he promissed, he just took the dollar. hmm.
I'm getting distracted. I don't no what to do. I'm just thinking, and wondering. My mind doesn't like me write now.
I'll write if I think of anything to say.
Current mood: bord.
And now I'm writing now, at 3:54.
I really feel bad, and I'm in a terrible mood, I mean, just awful, Caitlin just called, hopefully I don't blow up on her.
I have nothing to say, so bye.
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This is a very long and boring entery, read to your heart's content.
March 16
7:47
Well, my birthday was alright. It was a cool day. The school part was pretty uneventful. I got a pair of earrings from Jessica, so that was pretty cool. Caitlin is going to give me my present when she comes over tonight, and that's cool with me. My mom is getting me a new matris, and a new pair of shoes, whitch I got last night, and I am currently wearing. lol.
My laptop was also part of it, and that's cool. I'm happy. All I asked my dad for was money, and I'm getting whatever I got from him tonight when Taylor and Caitlin will be there. So we'll see what happends there.
I spent the rest of my day on and off skype, and the phone with the usual, niko, dan, kerry, caitlin.
Last night I had a cookie cake with my mom. I have pieces of it cut up, in my backpack with me, it was orgasmic. lol.
I never got that package, but I finally figured out what it was. I feel bad about him spending his money on me never getting it. But the idea was cool.
It was a desk like thing, the size of my laptop, and you put it on it, and it blow air in it, to keep it from getting to hot. THat would be loads better then me letting it burn up on my bed, but yeah. Maybe I'll by myself one, who noes. I think my laptop would apreciate it greatly.
I feel in good spirits and hiper today, I wonder why? I hope today is going to be a good day.
Tonight, me, caitlin, and taylor are going to watch a scary movie. I hope its not disappointing. I'm looking forward to being scared. lol.
There goes that Chris Brown dude. He's on do not admit, A.K.A, you got in trouble, so you have to go to the office. lol
I'm board. I want something to do, and I don't wanna read... meh.
I guesss I need to though. I never read, or write in my actual school journal, so I'll be back later.
Current mood: hiper.
9:15
Ok, Caitlin just gave me some random email things, and I'll post some of them here, as I read them. I'll probably be crying by the time this is all over. lol. lets see how far people get in this, before I bor them to death.
If I knew it would be the last time
That I'd see you fall asleep,
I would tuck you in more tightly
and pray the Lord, your soul to keep.
If I knew it would be the last time
that I see you walk out the door,
I would give you a hug and kiss
and call you back for one more
If I knew it would be the last time
I'd hear your voice lifted up in praise,
I would video tape each action and word,
so I could play them back day after day.
If I knew it would be the last time,
I could spare an extra minute
to stop and say "I love you,"
instead of assuming you would KNOW I do.
If I knew it would be the last time
I would be there to share your day,
Well I'm sure you'll have so many more,
so I can let just this one slip away.
For surely there's always tomorrow
to make up for an oversight,
and we always get a second chance
to make everything just right.
There will l always be another day
to say "I love you,"
And certainly there's another chance
to say "Anything I can do?"
But just in case I might be wrong,
and today is all I get,
I'd like to say how much I love you
and I hope we never forget.
Tomorrow is not promised to anyone,
young or old alike,
And today may be the last chance
you get to hold your loved one tight.
So if you're waiting for tomorrow,
why not do it today?
For if tomorrow never comes,
you'll surely regret the day,
That you didn't take that extra time
for a smile, a hug, or a kiss
and you were too busy to grant someone,
what turned out to be their one last wish.
So hold your loved ones close today,
and whisper in their ear,
Tell them how much you love them
and that you'll always hold them dear
Take time to say "I'm sorry,"
"Please forgive me," "Thank you," or "It's okay."
And if tomorrow never comes,
you'll have no regrets about today.
He was just a little boy,
He was wandering home
from Sunday School,
and dawdling on the way.
He scuffed his shoes into the grass;
He found a caterpillar.
He found a fluffy milkweed pod,
and blew out all the, "filler."
A bird's nest in a tree overhead,
So wisely placed on high,
Was just another wonder
That caught his eager eye.
A neighbor watched his zig zag course,
and hailed him from the lawn;
Asked him where he'd been that day
and what was going on.
"I've been to Bible School," he said
and turned a piece of sod.
He picked up a wiggly worm replying,
"I've learned a lot of God."
"M'm very fine way," the neighbor said,
"for a boy to spend his time."
If you'll tell me where God is,
I'll give you a brand new dime.`
Quick as a flash the answer came!
Nor were his accents faint.
"I'll give you a dollar, Mister,
if you can tell me where God ain't....
l,
the best of friends.
From elementary to high school,
from beginning to end.
Through all those years,
their friendship grew.
They both felt the same,
but neither knew.
Each waking moment,
since the day they met.
They both loved each other,
sunrise to sunset.
He was all she had,
in her terrible life.
He was the one who kept her,
from her knife.
She was his angel,
she made him smile.
Though life threw him curves,
she made it all worth while.
Then one day,
things went terribly wrong,.
The next few weeks,
were like a very sad song.
He made her jealous on purpose he tried,
When the girl asked, "Do you love her?" on purpose he lied.
He played with jealousy like it was a game,
Little did he know Things would never be the same.
His plan was working but he had no clue,
How wrong things would go, the damage he would do.
One night she broke down,
feeling very alone.
Just her and the blade,
no one else home.
She dialed his number,
he answered "Hello"
She told him she loved him,
and hung up the phone.
He raced to her house,
just a minute too late.
Found her lying in blood,
her heart had no rate.
Beside her was a note,
in it her confession.
Her love for this boy,
her only obsession.
As he read the note,
he knelt down and cried.
Grabbed her knife,
that night they both died.
She was found in his arms,
both of them dead.
And under her note,
his handwriting said:
"I loved her so,
she never knew.
All this time,
I loved her too.
hmm, those were pretty weird. I liked the last one the most.
I'm tired. I thought I wasn't. lol
March 19 2007
9:20 am.
Well, ok, this is the first time I've really felt tlike writing since Friday, so here I am. Caitlin and taylor came over, it was loads of fun.
Caitlin got me a cord to hook my laptop up to my stario, and I love it. Taylor gave me fifteen dollars, I need the money, so that was cool to. All I asked my dad for was money, I said if they didn't want to give me money, please don't get me anything, just like christmas, but they didn't listen of course.
I got a bunch of clothes, like I really needed that. Sighs, people really get to me.
Friday night me, Caitlin, and taylor all hung out, we ended up watching the movie with Kerry, it was hide and seek, it was scary.
Taylor fell asleep at the very beginning though. lol.
Well damn, this is going to be one hell of a long entery, if you make it all the way threw, I give you props.
Its an a. day, I'm supposed to be in spanish, but i'm not. lol.
I talked to Dan a lot this weekend, we got a lot worked out, and I feel a lot more complete.
I love you, I want to help you, and to be someone you look forward to talking to, to being with. Not a pain, or something that makes you go brake.
God, I won't be able to live with myself, if I brake you. I can't let that happen, can't. And I'm going to try hard not to.
Crap, hold on, gotta do work.
Ok, I'm done, that wasn't to bad. I'm thirsty as hell, I can't stand it.
Jessica did something last night that really got to me, she wrote me, whitch she hardly ever does, and said, hey, whatch ya doing?
I said, not mutch chillinm you?
And she said, I'm talking to David.
Ok, that's nice, and cool and stuff, but why the hell would you tell me that? when you no that would bother me? That wasn't something I expected from a friend, but I guess, you never really no who to trust do ya?
I have Dan, so I'm good.
You can talk to him, if the next person he dates after me is you, I'll laugh in both of you guys faces. I'm usually not a conceded bitch, but I do have to say, I'm a bit better then her, aren't I?
Man.
I really honestly think that things are going to get better, they started out a bit rocky, but I love him, and he loves me, and it can pull threw, write?
Unless, I brake him, or make things bad...
I don't no, I really don't no what I'm doing any more.
I wish I new, I really wish I new.
I want to do things write, but I don't no what things I'm doing, or what things to do.
I feel like I'm starting over from square one. Lol, shouldn't I be a bit experienced by now? hehehehehe, I guess not.
I got the Chris brown cd yesterday, I really like it.
Its cool.
Some of the words really remind me of situations i've been in. Young love, its a good song, I really like the words to that.
But I'm kind of tired of writing, and this is long enough, so i'll go away now.
I love you, Dan. your the best, thanks loads.
Current mood: happy.
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Wednesday, March 14th, 2007
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Oh boy, its everyone's favorit time of the day. School entery time.
7:59
God yesterday was crazy, I sware, it had to have been a full moon, or something because all my friends, and me went absolutly nuts.
I wasn't with Dan.
djdan567
At midnight, for he had better things to do then to be concerned with me.
But then he gets mad if someone actually cares enough to get off skype, and call me?
That bothers me.
But thanks guys, who were there.
How would I have slept with out you people? Its a very good question.
I went to sleep early, my crying screaming fit wore me out majorly. I really don't think i'll be sleeping today during class, no way.
Today was supposed to be a good day, why didn't it turn out that way?
Tomorrow is my birthday, and its supposed to be icky out, rainy, just like last year...
I guess I'm just an icky person, for an icky day.
I wonder what the temp was like the day I was born? Probably rainy also.
I wonder who all looks at my screen during this class?
My teacher? the girl behind me? Who? anyone?
They probably think I'm crazy then, if they read this stuff, for most of it doesn't make since to me either.
I feel like there's a lot I need to say, but it probably shouldn't be posted in my lj.
Dan, you confuse me to no end, and I thought girls were hard to understand.
Its not write of me to say your to young to understand, but maybe to imature?
Or, you just, don't want to? I don't want to think of it that way though..
You made me complete for a while, what the heck happend?
I no I have problems, but I'm working on them, I'll work on them, for you.
I don't like anyone else. there's no reason to be jelis, for you do the same things to me.
I'm still holding out my promise I made you Caitlin, I am.
I'm not going to go back, even if it kills me not to.
You are loads of help to me, special person.
I would go crazy with out my friends, I really would.
I hope this weekend will be a good one, my thoughts are so random write now...
How many people have lost interest in my lj during the past couple of weeks. Was probably better when I didn't do updates at all. People used to beg me to, and now i do. I can write what I think and feel openly now, with out worrying about who reads it.
Everyone and there moms can read it, I don't care. its not important, at all.
There's nothing to weird in here.
I want to go back, and read my whole intire lj. And see if I remember a lot of those enterries. To see if I can relate to myself.
Caitlin did that a few weeks ago, read back in this thing, so did Chris
trek_west
I think. must have been weird.
My typing was absollutely terrible when I got this thing.
And I think its inprooved quite a bit. Its been over a year now. I wonder how many enteries I've done in that year. I've done loads lately...
my shoulder hurts, meh, who noes why.
I still haven't got that package, I don't think. Unless my mom isn't going to give it to me, or she's going to get me to wait until my birthday or something. But she didn't make me wait for the card I got from my aunt, so what makes this package any different?
I'm tired of typing. I"m going to use that tasheeba speach thing, where I can tell it what to do. lol, I really wish I could.
I wonder if Caitlin is going to be in the VI room second, I hope so. I miss her company when she's not.
I'm board. I think I'm going to go away now for a bit.
Current mood: confused, sad.
9:21
Damn, this school actually noes what there doing, unlike KSB.
I can't do anything on there computers, there usuless to me.
Caitlin told me windows messenger works, but I guess not now. I can't go to my lj page, meh.
I also tryed to trick the computer in to letting skype be on it by coppying skype program folder from my laptop to there desktop, and making a short cut to it, but you can't copy anything to those computers program files, kind of sucks.
There's nothing for me to do in there, so i logged off real quick. In case they had something to say about me attempting to go to that websight and stuff. so I'll just sit here and type.
I'm supposed to be doing some speach for english, but not really sure what its supposed to be about or anything, for they talked about it 2 days ago, and i was out like a light.
I wonder what everyone is doing write now. Everyone is in class. but what are they doing.
Someone just walked in, who is it?
Oh, its Doug, he's talking about someone getting hurt or something.
Hmm.
I feel lonely.
Today feels like a good day, but yet I feel so lonely. I think I need to stay away from everyone for like 2 weeks, and just get used to being alone again, but there's no way I could do that, unless I left my computer and phone somewhere where it was imposible for me to get them.
I miss you, David.
I miss your company, and I miss the caring. I miss someone wanting to talk to me, thinking the world of me.
I miss someone willing to do anything and everything to talk to me, to be with me.
But I no those times are over now.
I've never spoken your name so boldly in these pages, but I do, and I no you miss me to.
I wish you understood Dan. I wish I could show you, but I've tryed, and it doesn't seem to work...
Why not?
Why doesn't it work. I try so hard. I wish I could be with you. then maybe I could show you, but you wouldn't like it here. I'm afrade of you meeting me, and not liking me.
Then what the world would I do?
I wouldn't no what to do. You would get board here, and then what the world could I do?
I wouldn't no how to help.
And the thought, is terrifying.
I'm no different in person, but what if you changed your mind, that would be five hundrid bucks down the drain. I wouldn't mind saving the money. If I new you would be happy here...
we're so mutch different...
As far as the CCC! goes. I could care less what people think. The only people that really matter are the people in it, those are my friends, the others can go shuv there head up there momma's ass for all I care.
Lol, bash me, if its how you get your rocks off.
I have an hour, and 12 minutes until its time to go.
It will never be time to go home.
I didn't do my math homework again, and I don't care.
She's stupid, she doesn't keep track, I'll get an a, or a b anyway.
I haven't talked to Alex in a long time, I've been pushing him away, and that's not cool. I'm sorry, Alex. I'll get better.
I really wish I didn't do that, I seem to always be pushing someone away, and believe me, I no how bad it can hurt to be pushed away, I've been experiencing that a lot lately from Dan...
Outch, it hurts, but oh wells. lol, nothing I can do.
I'm really ressless write now. I want something to do.
I miss physical contact, I miss holding someone who I loved and who loved me. But even when I was with David, I barely got that, and I missed it just as mutch. Maybe its worse now, because I no there's noone who I could get it from, even if they lived near. Noone...
The thought is depressing, so I will move on now.
An hour left, god, what am I going to do for this hour? I wish I was tired, but I'm not. I've been going to sleep early lately, I bet I'll mess that up this weekend though, oh well.
there's 2 kids in here, and like five aids, there all sitting around talking. I wish I got paid for that shit, man. I'd be ritch, that's all I do.
I'm trying to think of something to do...
so I'm going away.
Current mood: board
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Here's a school intery, nothing else tos ay, i'm still tired.
7:49
Man, my life is crazy. what should I say?
A whole load of stuff happend, in regards to Brandon and his mom, but I won't get in to that here, if you don't no, oh well, all you need to no is CCC! for live biotch! lol.
Moving on.
David.
the_apoppanax
Sent me an email, and a song...
I cryed for a long time about it, Thank you Dan
djdan567
Warren
ariesthekid
Niko, and Kerry for being there.
I would have never slept with out you guys help that night, I'll never no.
I wonder, how do I handle being around 2 guys minamum, all the time? lol.
This weekend, practically the whole weekend that's how it was. And I don't mind it.
I love my friends, even if they do a get annoying sometimes, and get louder then my jaws, and I have to yell shut up. lol.
On Wednesday, march fourteenth, it wil be Dan's birthday
And on Thursday March fifteenth it will be mine.
I like that, that's close. All my friends say they'll call, or be on the skype or the phone with me at midnight, wonder who really wil be?
This weekend I'm having Taylor and Caitlin.
catie2009
Over. it will be cool.
Hardly any of my online friends will be around though, Dan is going to his friends house, and Niko is going to NYC, to evaluate the guidedog school I think.
Kerry will be around, if he can stand 3 giggling girls for a night. lol.
I'm thirsty.
Its a b day, in case you didn't no, or something.
I just drank some water in my backpack from last week, tasted to mutch like poison. lol.
My watch just went off, its always so weird when it goes off in class. I just think everyone is staring at me....
I'm tired.
I fell asleep for 10 minutes here, 10 minutes there, probably get an hour, hour in a half at the most. ick.
I want sleep now. and I would be,if I wasn't writing.
I wonder if my computer is happy to be off my bed, off skype? lol
The odd girl that sits behind me isn't here today, that's cool, I guess. don't really matter.
I don't think The chris brown dude is either, but not sure about that yet.
I don't call anyone more then Dan, I don't call anyone.
Niko calls me more then you call me, but nothing to worry about. I promise.
He doesn't do the online thing, he's just my friend.
Just decided to post that, in case any of you people read is very miss spelt, so innicently written journal, that it makes it cute. lol, and were wondering about that.
Niko is cool as hel, but its not like that.
I should be getting money for my birthday, I wonder if I should save it? I mean, I'll deffenetly save it once I no, but if he doesn't want to come here, or his mom says no way, then there's no point in saving it.
Hopefully I find out soon.
I'm soooo tired.
no more writing for me.
current mood: sleepy
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Wednesday, March 7th, 2007
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Here's my school entery, I'm doing loads better now though.
7:44 am
Ok, its another b day. I was sicker then a dog yesterday, so I got to miss yesterday, half of it at least. I had to go the other half, so I could go to KSB, to ketch the bus to my dads, he would have had a fit if he found out.
I got an email from David.
the_apoppanax
2 days ago. I'm supposed to be getting something in the mail today, for my birthday, I wonder what it is?
I haven't had anyone to talk to about this, and only shared it with one person. My friends have drifted away, leaving me in despret condition.
But I guess its not there falt, if they don't care, write?
I really want to clean out my friends list on lj, and make this friends only, but a few people that read it, don't have lj's, so I guess i'll just let everyone read my business.
I miss the short, but good time we had together Dan
djdan567
It was nice while it lasted. I wish I wasn't sutch a nucence.
I loved you, but I also needed you,, and I mean really needed. I had some major dependent problems. and they pushed you away, like they did, or will do to everyone else.
I think I went crazy yesterday, I feel bad for Niko and Kerry who were on skype with me.
I probably sounded like I had some serious issues.
I'm afrade I'll scare them away next...
Then what.
I tell Niko all these things, Things that my best friend didn't have time to listen to, and he listens, he comments. He really shows that he cares, by those simple jestures.
Or he's a really good actor. But that's ok to.
Thank you, niko, for listening to my rants, and complaints.
That's all I really needed.
Dan went off on me last night when I was about to go to sleep. Yelling about, well, how mutch do I have to be around then, and stuff like that.
And I just semply said never, for its the truth, correct?
He never, ever has to be around, noone does.
He asked me to stay with him until he fell asleep, and I abliged.
But I think I might have fallen asleep first...
I woke up at 4, Kerry was on skype, but he was muted, I felt very, very lonesome.
David was online, and we wrote a few things back and forth, not mutch though, hi, how are you, are you ok? Do you feel better?
But nothing special. I called Niko back, but I think Kerry had him on his other line, for his skype didn't automatically pick up.
I really hate making people feel like I'm someone they have to deal with. I wonder if they do feel like that?
Like they have to stay with me at night?
I really hope not.
I"m supposed to be reading, and writing in my school journal. Maybe I'll just copy and paste lj enteries in it. lol, it would work I guess.
I have to do a book talk next week, so this weekend I'll be reading. I wonder if anyone will read with me?
This is also the weekend that we're all going to try to brake the skype record. I would love to have people around me all weekend, but will they be able to handle me that long? If I have another brake down, will they get tired of me, and make fun of me, like they do Brandon?
I try to help it, to stop it, but it doesn't work. And I throw myself at people...
Thank you, for ketching me.
I feel poetic but to tired to think and create. I really need to fix my sleep. Its makeing things worse, I think.
I have an hour and ten minutes left in this class, and I"m tired...
I need to stop falling asleep in here, but I can't help it. I went to sleep early last night, but I was up for about 30 minutes at 4, before I could make myself go back to sleep.
I think I'll play a game next period, takes my mind off of things, kind of.
A lot of kids are sick today with the flue, but that wasn't what I had yesterday.
It felt like my stomach just got ripped in to.
Omg! I just remembered a little of a dream I had last night. I haven't remembered one dream since me and him stopped talking.
It was something about me saying my stomach hurting, and him saying something about wallgreens...
lol, I no it makes no since, b ut its what I remember.
And music, and lots of people...
But where were we? Who were the people? What about wallgreens? None of it makes since. Maybe I'll remember more later, its already fading away...
Do I scare you guys? Do i?
I must admit, I give myself the chills...
Chris brown? is he here today?
I haven't heard him yet. lol.
Some girl saw me in the hall way, she was late for class, so she grabbed ahold of me and pretended like she helped me. When she went in to class and said that was why she was late, I laughed, and told the truth. She's probably pissed, but who cares.
I"m tired of being used like that by these kids, forget that.
Lets get started with the class work. are we going to be able to go back downstaires?
I'll probably have rotation and spanish work to make up in my free period though.
No fun.
Just one more day of school this week, and its a short day.
I've gotta read this weekend, and ketch up on my sleep, seriously.
I need to laugh, but I can't think of anything funny. Maybe I won't play a game, maybe I'll just play my whole comity folder on shuffel. lol.
I doubt that would do any good, except put me to bed. Like everything will.
I'm so tired of writing, so I will run away now.
Current mood: Sad.
Things are a lot beter now
I, Just, better. I'm busy write now though, so I'll write later, or tomorrow.
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here we go, with a school intery.
7:41 am
Man. I feel pretty good today. I'm in english class, its a b day.
This past weekend was cool. I talked to Niko and Kerry the most, I think.
I also talked to Dan.
djdan567
But not as mutch as I should have.
But, it was ok I guess. Sometimes I wonder what to think about him. I conferenced him every time he called, talked to him when he called my phone. But, it just didn't seem to happen to mutch.
I wonder if he gets jelis? If so, why doesn't he call? Does he want some space?
Well, that's what I let him have.
I don't no.
I added David.
the_apoppanax
TO my msn list, do to someone's pushing, and telling me I had to. but, that person lied. Meh.
But, oh wells I guess, it was kind of weird, I said a total of eight words to him. lol.
It was 5 weeks last night. And something that Kerry said on accident really set me off. But he didn't no. it wasn't his falt. And Niko and him were there for me, of course.
Thanks guys, Between all my friends, I'm starting to actually feel like a person with my own friends, feelings, and life again. I no there's people who care about me, even if I scare some of them sometimes... lol.
There's always someone to listen to me when I need to talk, not even say anything, just listen. And I apreciate that.
I hate having those drastic mood swings sometimes, or just start crying for no reason, but I'm really getting better. With everyone's help.
I hope we can hang out in 2 weekends Caitlin.
catie2009
It was loads of fun a few weeks ago, we need to do that more often, for sure.
I left my whole backpack at home today, All I have is my laptop and headphones, whitch were in my hands. lol, I guess I don't need to be talking that early in the morning. hehehehe. Stupid me.
Its 8:18. Some random counselor was talking to us about our schedules at this public school.
I'm not sure if I wanna go here next year or not. I don't think I have to take 2 years of spanish, and that was the only reasone I was here. I have no friends here except 1. I used to have 2, but the only boy that talked to me moved away. lol, oh wells. Of course I have Caitlin.
catie2009
But I mean sighted people.
I no I seem so out going, loud, crazy, and full of confadence. Well, I used to seem that way, and if I would have went here 2 years ago or so, I would be. But since last year. I"m a lot more quiet and warey.
I wish I wasn't. I wish I was my old self again, but I guess I am how I am now.
There's a boy that sits next to me that sounds just like Chris Brown. I used to really think he was cool. But he seems kind of dumb, I guess its ok though. lol
He never talks to me, and I never talk to him.
I feel dumb when I walk down the hall way, and people grab ahold of me, I feel ugly and wierd, and different. I no they all think I'm retarded, and I just don't no what to think.
On the rare accasion that I put in some input in class everyone seems astonished at what I have to say, I wonder what they do think?
I never ever think about this actually, I just kind of ignore them, there all weird, and the ignore me, so its all good. I'd rather be me, then be the other 2 vi kids in here, that make fools of themselves alot.
I need to start writing more in here, it keeps me awake.
I have 21 percent left on my laptop, thank goodness Caitlin has the same charger as me, hopefully she'll let me use it.
I'm getting sleepy, I want to put my head down, but since I have no backpack, I have no where to put my laptop, so there's no where to put my head. I hate putting it on my laptop, its bad.
I'm feeling my own hand while it types, its weird. I like feeling peoples hands while they type, who noes why though. lol.
I want to start on something, I want to start learning how to do something new. I feel like I don't learn anything any more. I mean, sure I do math and stuff, But I mean, something I want to learn. Maybe I'll start to learn how to make programs, and become a virus maker. lol.
Maybe I'll start... um... I don't no.
If anyone has any good ideas, tell me. I need some.
I'm so board write now. I've already been in here to long. And I'm really starting to get tired. Yay for free second periods to sleep.
I didn't go to sleep to late last night, it was about 12, or 12 30 or so. I'm not exactly sure, but not to bad. I Just feel tired. I'm supposed to ketch up on sleep on the weekends, and I didn't get to mutch of that done.
Chris brown just said shut the fuck up, it sounded like he was talking in his sleep. lol. I'm usually asleep around now to, if I wasn't typing, I deffenetly would be, I'm kind of starting to feel achy. Its weird people actually read this. lol.
There isn't anything important in it. One day soon I'm going to have to read all this myself.
My laptop just said low battery, so I think I'll run away now. write more later, maybe.
I love you, dan.
Current mood: sleepy
10:30 am.
Ok, now I'm in the resorce room. I just read a very random conversation between. Me and Kerry that was written over a year ago. I don't no why I saved it, but I did. I was weird back then.
But it was ok.
Caitlin is in here to. She's reading, and dozing off and on. I fell asleep at the end of english, but none this period. I wonder what's going to happen next?
Once I'm completely over him,if I ever am, that's posible? write?
I guess it could be, for I never believed in my wildest dreams I'd ever get this far, but I have.
God, you guys are great. If I was alone, well, lets not think about sutch scary things.
How, happy I am. I wonder if I will be tomorrow? lol
Dan, your great, I love you loads, Caitlin, Niko, Kerry. Yay for you all to. You guys are to cool.
I didn't get to hang out with Taylor this weekend. For she had a swim meet Saturday and Sunday. I wonder if I've already wrote that? lol. oh well.
I'm done pretending to pay attention to spanish now I think. I'm laying my head down.
Damn it, no I'm not, one more gay worksheet. ick.
I'm tired. tired.
Only five minutes until time to go though. And I hate writing on the bus, so I won't.
Over a month, you guys, I've done it for over a month. I'm so proud, of myself...
I'm sorry for being so annoying. I'm just so happy. I realized a lot last night.
My singing blows, so what. I tryed for you, you made me feel good about it, then took it all away, with one simple insalt when you were mad.
I will never feel the same about singing, regardless of how hard I try to. but oh well.
Singing doesn't make me who I am, neither does how my voice sounds. What makes me me is my personality, and my friends like me for who I am. Not my singing, my voice, or my looks.
Ok, I'm done boring you guys.
Thanks for giving me that talk, you no who you are.
Bell rang, time to go.
current mood: happy.
And now I"m writing this now. I figured something out, but I can't remember what it was. hmm.
I have someone on skype with me, Maybe I shouldn't of called?
I feel like a neusents Well, I'm tired, and feel kind of blah, so I think I'll run away,
by.
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| Subject: | update |
| Time: | 1:20 pm. |
| Mood: |  blah. | | Music: | Dan and his brother yelling.. |
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Damn, I never, no a subject. lol.
Well, hi all, Its Sunday,and I'm board.
I was on skype with Kerry for 41 hours, 46, minutes, and 23 seconds. Lol.
We almost broke that goddamn skype record, but, I had to fuck it up.
Oh well, we're going to try again, thursday night, a whole bunch of us, I think. Its going to be weird though.
I didn't really mind him, for he's quiet and respectufl. But a load of us? I might get a bit annoyed. Oh well, I guess I'll just have to see. I no, I'm sutch a loozer. lol.
I'm sorry Dan.
djdan567
About a few nights ago, I really am, but bad things were happening.
See? I'm already starting to screw up, and we're not even going out yet, meh, I've gotta get my shit straight.
But I'm really trying.
I can't believe I'm going to try this online dating stuff, I just, can't believe that. But I really hope this can work, and not go crash burn.
And if he wants it to, as mutch as me, it will.
And, just for the record, I'm not dating, and never was dating a kid from Ksb, its been 2 years. Pretty good story though Bubba, I've gotta give you that.
Well, that's all I have to say for write now.
Peace.
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This is one of the most pointless enterys I've write in a long time.
11:04 am
Well, hi all. I just got to school. I got to come late, because noone was going to be here anyway, and my mom is cool like that. lol.
Well, I'm the only one out of the 3 in my math class today, so my teacher said I could have a free period. I'm board. I just went to my favorit teachers class room, Mr. Hume. He doesn't care if I randomly go in, and my math teacher said I could, but he wasn't there, meh.
There's nothing to do in here, at all. gosh.
I don't have anything to write about. I talked to Chris.
trekwest
Today, we haven't talked in ages, it was kind of cool. we compared notes on
djdan567
and
alice320
It was interesting. lol.
I'm really glad I got to sleep in and talk to my dan
djdan567
today, but I wish I would have got to see caitlin
catie2009
For I had something to give her. Oh wells, maybe on Monday.
Me and my math teacher are talking about David write now, and I'm just, talking. Telling, and just, rambling. She's pretty cool, and she new him, so yeah.
Now we're talking about my health class, and my health teacher. lol.
I'm soooooo boring today, I really am. I wonder if I'll even post this pointless entery.
come on bell, ring.
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Thursday, March 1st, 2007
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Well, I no I already wrote one gay entery today, but I just had to write another. I just read Dan.
djdan567
lj, and it was really sweet.
Its not your falt, half the things I worry about. I just am paranoyed. that's all. And I'm, sorry.
And I'm working on it, I promise.
The money is a bit high to get you here, and I'm worried about your mom saying yes, but if she does. I promise, I'll get it, some how.
I'm sitting with him write now, while he's sleeping.
He fell asleep while me, him, and chris were talking. Chris wanted me to hang up, but I didn't want to. I love staying with him, and I hardly ever get to because I fall asleep first. lol.
Well, I'm going to move out of here, and stop wasting you guys time.
I love you, Dan.
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Well, today started out sucky, but it just got bater. your intery was sweet, and actually half way good writen. lol. so here, have a depressing, scary, school, bus entery.
8:11
Welll, hi people. I'm here in class again, but I'm actually in the VI Room, its a b day today, but I don't feel that happy... I'm confused, and worried.
Its amazing how happy I can be one day, and so fucked up the next. You no?
I think there is someone that Dan doesn't want to no we're talking, for he changed his name for a few hours, it was weird, but maybe I'm paranoyed. But, don't I kind of have a reason to be?
Well, maybe I don't, but I am. Things scare me, they do.
He called me at eight thirty for a minute, but hung up soon, and didn't talk at all. Should I feel bad? Should I be upset? DO I have a reason to be?
We're not even going out yet, he doesn't want to go out with me I really don't think. He hasn't asked me out at least. But maybe that's a good thing? If we were going out, I would die. lol. because, I need someone.
Just like Caitlin, and her relationship went ca, bam'm'm'm Because, if we were going out, I couldn't, wouldn't go to other people at night when I was lonely, that's not write, if I"m with someone, I will, stay loyal, even if it hurts to be alone. He did call me last night when I was about to go to sleep, but he didn't talk to me any, didn't tell me he loved me, call me a bitch, call me an attention hore, I don't care any more.
You ruined me David, just look at me begging. Look, at me.
I have separation exiaity, isn't that what makes people not wanna get dogs at the pound? because they have that?
I'm actually not even sure if that's why I'm depressed, I guess that could be part of it. But I don't no the other part.
I fell asleep sad and upset, on the phone, and listening to a book with Kerry and Brandon, and he just by passes it, does he not see it? or just not care?
And I thought girls were hard to understand. I don't understand him, at all.
Maybe I read to deep in to things, and he doesn't. I don't no, but I need to.
Something very scary happend last night, I won't say what, but god I'm just glad things are ok.
Thanks Caitlin for coming when I needed you there. i would have really freaked with out you.
I still can't believe I cryed though, and Brandon didn't. That's really sad. But it shows I really cared, write? lol.
I really miss reading with someone. I really saw that last night. We're going to need to do that more often, that was nice.
I love my friends, I really do. Lol, I'd be back with him for sure by now.
I wonder if you ever read this David. Do you?
DO I scare you? Make you mad? Piss you off?
I no I sure piss myself off.
Caitlin is here beside me, messing with her clock, its usually me doing that. lol..
But that's cool.
I don't no what to write in here. So I think I'll post a poem in here, that a girl wrote, or said she wrote for me back in August, I don't no why I'm going to put this here, but I am, so here you go.
There's so much I wanna say,
Yet, I feel there aren't enough words,
To describe how I truly feel,
But I hope, if anything,
You know that this's real,
You understand me like no other,
And when I think of you,
My heart is filled
With joy and happiness,
As I'm writing this,
I'm close to tears,
Cuz thinking of you
Wipes away all my fears,
You and I have indeed been through some tough times,
But we've been there for one another
Through thick and thin,
And it seems like God
Has finally let love in,
I thought I knew love with him,
But indeed it was a lie,
It's amazing how you make me feel,
I'm so overjoyed, I wanna cry
Words alone can't express
The joy you've brought
Into my life,
I thank God every day for you,
There're so many ways to say it,
But I'm not sure how,
You're sooo beautiful,
In my eyes,
You're an angel,
It's true,
I feel it, I know it,
I love you.
Yeah, write. its sweet, but its a load of crap. lol. I see this.
Oh well, its a nice pointless poem anyway.
I think I will post some things I wrote here.
Lol. I just found this, this is an example of me and Dan's pittaful pointless conversations back in september. I really, ignored him.
.--------------------------------------------------------------------.
| Session Start: Thursday, September 14, 2006 |
| Participants: |
| Rissa (rissa@toonhead-online.com) |
| dan (radiodj246@hotmail.com) |
.--------------------------------------------------------------------.
[03:51:15 PM] dan: hey rissa, how are you?
.--------------------------------------------------------------------.
| Session Start: Saturday, September 16, 2006 |
| Participants: |
| Rissa: Your American Sweetheart. (rissa@toonhead-online.com) |
| ...oooooooooo! This is not happening!! (radiodj246@hotmail.com) |
.--------------------------------------------------------------------.
[11:24:20 AM] Dan: Noooooo: hey rissa
[11:24:21 AM] Dan: Noooooo: what's up?
[11:24:27 AM] Rissa: Your : nm
[11:24:48 AM] Dan: Noooooo: what are you doing?
.--------------------------------------------------------------------.
| Session Start: Saturday, September 16, 2006 |
| Participants: |
| Rissa: Your American Sweetheart. (rissa@toonhead-online.com) |
| ...er, add me its djdanny1@verizon.net (radiodj246@hotmail.com) |
.--------------------------------------------------------------------.
[10:36:19 PM] Dan:Might go: hey rissa, did you change your number?
.--------------------------------------------------------------------.
| Session Start: Saturday, September 23, 2006 |
| Participants: |
| Rissa (rissa@toonhead-online.com) |
| radiodj246@hotmail.com (radiodj246@hotmail.com) |
.--------------------------------------------------------------------.
[08:09:11 PM] radiodj246@h: hey rissa
.--------------------------------------------------------------------.
| Session Start: Thursday, September 28, 2006 |
| Participants: |
| ...e all the distorted view shows? (rissa@toonhead-online.com) |
| radiodj246@hotmail.com (radiodj246@hotmail.com) |
.--------------------------------------------------------------------.
[08:56:45 PM] radiodj246@h: hey rissa, what's up?
[08:58:40 PM] Rissa: Does : nm
[08:58:42 PM] Rissa: Does : you?
[08:59:20 PM] Dan: no nothing just talking tn the phone with my friend
mo and very angry
[08:59:37 PM] Rissa: Does : oh
[08:59:44 PM] Dan: yeah
[09:00:02 PM] Dan: just so many bad things happened this week its not
even funny
Man, ok, that was pretty sad.
Ok, well I just read, loads of me and David's chat logs, some of that shit is crazy. seriously, I think I'll write more later. its already 10 45, time to get on the bus.
Ok, its only a few minutes later, I'm writing on the bus. Those chat logs, scare me, some stuff almost got read, that I didn't want, people to see. I need to get rid of those I think. but, Caitlin has them anyway. oh wells.
I read a chat log from october, where I asked Dan if he liked me, because he was so desprit to talk to me, it was kind of cute, I forgot about that.
your my, your my, your my, baby baby baby baby baby. I love this song.
Lol, jaws sounds so dumb saying that.
This song is deep. I love the words.
that don't change the fact that your fine, but you stay crying every night.
girl you gotta let him no you can't live like this no more.
Can't you see, together you and me, could be so special, baby.
Its rap, but the words are good, not a load of bool shit. it makes me think. It makes me happy. I have sutch then small hands, its weird. They go all over this key board when the bus jerks, so I'll write more in a bit.
I guess I never ended up writing any more, I kind of forgot, oh wells. lol.
But I"m better now, happy. I have fast net at my dads now, so yay for that.
I think this weekend I might hang out with taylor, not sure yet.
I'm board of this now, so "m going to run away.
Laters.
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Monday, February 26th, 2007
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Well, not mutch needs to be said, the intery is long enough. I give you major props if you make it all the way threw it.
7 45 am
Well, hi all. I never do these school enteries, but I was threttened with a terrible grade to stay awake during this movie, so this should help. Lol, I can't, not think about him, this is crazy. I'd seriously forgotten what these feelings felt like. But I sure like the way I was reminded.
And to think, I used to be so annoyed of you, blow you off, and be mean to you.
I still can't believe you stayed around, and waited for me.
Your the greatest.
I'm sorry. Maybe someday I'll make it up to you, I'm trying...
he's great. I feel so weird, always having someone on my mind, good things about someone to, not my fears, and wants, and wishes. I'm happy
Sure, I really wish he could be here, but I guess the brite side is, how special it will be when we do meet.
I think about that entirely to mutch. And its only been 4 weeks since we've been talking. If my feelings keep growing, will I be able to handle all this thinking, wanting, happy, passion, and love? Its all sutch a mix.
Lol, I feel like sutch a silly teen aged girl, but its not like that, I'm not trying to be silly. I'm just trying to explain myself.to me, as mutch as to you guys.
Lol, wait, I haven't even told you guys really where I am, have I?
I need to think about other things now.
I'm at my public school that I go half day to, in my first class. Its magnit rotation, let me explain it real quick. This school has different specialty programs. for example, law and government, nursing, vet, dentastrey, and loads more. Freshmen have the choice to take a magnit rotation, whitch is where we spend 3 weeks in each separate magnit, to kind of get the feel for them all, so we can pick one if we want, when we're softmores. Well, that's where I am now. I am in some Doctore magnit or something. there's so many medical ones, its annoying. I think this might be the last medical one. I hope at least. We're watching some boring movie about medamoda or something. We watched the first part a few days ago, and I slept threw it, that's why the random teacher of this class told me to stay up, so I am. She never said anything about paying attention... hehehehehe.
I really wish I hadn't decided to take the magnit rotation, its boring for one. For another, half of these I couldn't do if I wanted. Who would go to a blind Doctor, or dentest?
Noone. lol.
The movie is over. I think. and I learned nothing... shit.
No, Miss I sure can't tell you a story about resual radiation, or whatever you just said, my greatest apolagies.
No, I really don't care if I fail the rotation for this magnit, I'm not going to try to get in to it next year anyway.
I'm not to tired, yet. lol. If I don't let myself fall asleep, I won't be to bad. But if I do? Its going to suck.
I couldn't go to sleep until 2 30 last night. My little sister wouldn't stop crying, and my mom wouldn't take her out of my room. I hated that. I think she might have kept Dan up to, and that's bad.
I'm sorry, I tryed to make it quieter...
I seriously think that little girl has issues. I feel bad for the new babysitter.
Man its loads easier to type in a public school class then at the blind school, where there's only 5 kids in there, and everyone is staring you down, man.
What? Miss? you want me to, write the history of, what now? Lol? I'm supposed to no this?
Oh, wells, let me fail this. I was sleeping. sleeping.
And today. I wasn't paying attention.
She told us to get started, the class is chattery, and she don't really care. she's not as bad as some teachers, but she can't completely control the class like my english teacher. man, he's halarious. I really need to record some of his class and let you people here it, he's awesome. But I have him on b days not a days. Next I have spanish, I'm not sure if I could write in there though. since we have some weird aid in there with us.
We have an aid in here to, but she really doesn't like me, do to problems we had in the beginning of the year, so she lets me do what I want. she hates me.
I have 2 boys, Dalton, and Matt, that are in all my classes, here, and at the blind school. Some teachers don't like having 3 blindies, so they make an aid come with us. its pretty gay. We actually need it in spanish though.
The english teacher lets us go with no aid, so woot for that. B days are deffenetly the best, a good class, then a free period.
Man, this class is loud. I can barely here my jaws, luckally I don't need to here it.
its eight o nine now. I've been typing basically straight.
I love you Dan.
Lol. I feel so random write now. I do. I'm just thinking, and stuff. I wanna talk. I wish Caitlin was in here.
Today, and from now on. I'm going to start working out. We have a tredmill, and I"m going to use it, from five to six. I hope.
If I ever tell any of you I'm going to skip a day, don't let me. lol.
I'm not fat, I'm pretty stil fit from cheerleading. and I plan to keep it that way, you no. Actually, Better then that. I hope. Its going to be boring though. I'm going to have to listen to music, or something.
Ok, I'm in the good old VI room. AKA, the blind room. Dalton and Matt asked the teacher if we could come down here and do our work, and she said yeah. SO I just followed along.
I hate those bastards, seriously.
they are real ass holes. I can't believe we used to be friends.
I guess I do have to thank you David, for, making them not be around me, at least...
I'm supposed to be doing some work. But I really don't want to. I feel lazy.
Wow, someone just said. I think Marissa Chambers is going to shoot up a school, not a bad idea. I am the crazy kitty, yes? lol
its eight 21. I'm going to be in here until 9 10. Until spanish class starts.
Lol.
One of the many usuless VI aids, just said, See? I love the way that Marissa is doing what she's supposed to be doing. Yep, I sure am. laughs.
This is a really long entery, I wonder who will read it?
Here comes the trouble maker. Matt. Not the one in all my classes, there's 2 Matts. He's always in isap, suspended or something like that. He is always cussing or yelling at someone, its quite amuzing. The trouble blindy. And one of the 2 only black ones. hehehehe.
This school is nindy percent black, and the rest are mixed or mexican.
All the blind kids that come from KSB are white, except Daniel, and me.
Caitlin, and Matt go here full time, no KSB for them.
Yay! Caitlin is in here now! smile.
I just got done letting her read all of this, and Dan's clock yelled in her ears, I can't wait until he dinally gets done with his new one.
Its eight thirty five. I'm board.
The people in here, are weird.
Dalton just got told to go sit down on his cute little bottom, by that same aid, man, scary. lol.
Caitlin is doing spanish. and I'm listening. I'm surprised noone wants to look at my computer screen.
I don't Miss you, hateful one.
Be happy for me, don't be, I don't care.
I'm happy for me, so just let it be.
A random thought that jumped out at me.
I loved her, I love her.
I hated him, I love him.
I loved him, I hate him.
She loved me, she loves me.
He loved me, he loves me.
He loved me, he, hates me?
I'm not to sure about the last line.
I shouldn't need me to put names by the lines, if you no me well.
I'm feeling poetic.
You make me happy, you make me feel complete,
And I love you,
I want to make you feel, the same way,
Sometimes, I wonder,
Do I?
I wish I new,
I do.
OH man, I"m getting sappy, or corny. lol
I need to think of something to talk about. I have no complaints, I have no depression problems, I have nothing to bitch about.
I'm happy.
And its been so long since I have been.
And I absolutely love it. Please tell me it will last.
Sometimes I'll be thinking, and I'll just think about, what if he really does get tired of my clingyness? What if he finds someone close, someone who can actually be with him, to hold him? and love him?
I can wait for him. I no I can. I have to, but what if he can't?
What if his parents say no to him coming here? I no mine would, and he decides he can't take it?
I'm so inexperienced when it comes to this online dating stuff...
I need it to work out.
Your wonderful, but, if you become unhappy, I want you to leave me. I always told him that also... and he told me the same thing...
But he scared me in to not leaving. I don't wanna do that to you.
SO maybe I shouldn't be writing this stuff in my lj.
My fears and what not, because it might scare you.
If your unhappy, I'll, I guess live, somehow. but, please mind, don't make me think about that...
I don't like where this is going, so, I'll go away now.
Maybe I'll write more later.
Current mood, happy, thoughtfun
Current music, Caitlin talking.
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Friday, February 23rd, 2007
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Hi all, today wasn't to bad.
Last night was good. he called me, and we actually talked, not just went to sleep. I paid the price for it today at school, but it was worth it.
I gave out those scripts today, to someone who diserved it. He calls me racest names, he talks about me and Caitlin behind our back, he pretends to be my friend, figures out what your doing, and then tells. I'd had enough, so, I gave him pay back. Lol, I no, I no, very childish, but I seem to do a lot of childish things these days, but that's ok. I think I have some kid time to ketch up on anyway.
He was seriously pissed, at first he thought it was funny, but not when noone could figure out how to get it off, I new how, but, fuck, that, seriously I'm so tired of dealing with those bitches stepping all over me, I'm done with that shit.
But, moving on.
I got on vt today, and thought I heard, something very bad but, it was ok. It wasn't, what I thought, I don't think anyway. I freaked out though, seriously.
Thanks Caitlin W for being there. I think I would have cryed loads longer. lol.
I cry to mutch, you guys no that? I really do.
For a few months I didn't, but I've gotten bad about it again. OH wells, I guess.
I'm being very random tonight, but I just feel like talking, and writing, so that's what I'm doing. I'm on vt with Brandon, Jesse, Jason, and Kerry, but only Jesse, Brandon, and me are talking. Hmm, what else should I write about.
Hannah is jabbering randomly in the other room, its weird that the youngest can talk, but Hannah can't, I worry about that. I would work with her, but she's mean, she doesn't want to be worked with.
I wonder what time I'm going to go to sleep tonight, I took a nap today so I'll probably be up all night. Damn.
Well, I'm wanted by Jesse I think, so I'm going to get out of here. I bet you I'll write more tomorrow or something, I seem to do a lot of that these days.
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Thursday, February 22nd, 2007
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Well. lol, there's already so many wholes in this, nearly, nonexistent relationship, that I can't decide if a fishing net, or this has more. Maybe I shouldn't be laughing, but if I don't laugh, I don't no what the hell will happen. I honestly don't no what to do from here. Should I just, forget the whole thing? It will be so hard to do that shit, but, is it my only choice?
Should I even be writing this shit in here? I doubt it, but I am anyway, so sue me. I'm sitting here on vt write now, and Brandon is talking, I'm trying so hard to listen, to pay attention, to care, but I can't. Why do I give my all in a relationship that has just begun? I guess its just one of my fuck ups. like so many other things. but this one, I don't no how to work on. I'm trying, I tryed, but it didn't really seem to work. Since I just end up hurt. Yikes, I don't like this, I feel so despret and dumb at these times. I stayed with a friend of mine last night, he listened, he at least pretended to care, and I thank him for that, but it took me forever to get to sleep anyway. I got 4 hours of sleep, and I really paid the price for it, I fell asleep all over the place today, I fell asleep while I was talking for cristes sake. man I can't believe i'm tryippin over this kid, that's only one day older then me, what, the hell has gotten in to me? Lol, seriously. Does anyone even read this shit, or am I just posting it, for my own record? OH well, that's fine as well.
I wonder how long we're going to talk before one of us explodes. Before either I go nuts, and tell him to forget it, because that's basically what he's already done, or he goes rar at me about how I"m a selfish, jelis, clinging, bitch. whitch one, will come first?
And, more importantly, what am I going to do after it comes?
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Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.
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sleepy.
confused.
happy.
stressed.
giddy.
bored.